Apr. 8th, 2009

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What question do you most dread?


I don't bother to worry about questions all that much. Waste of time and energy I could spend doing other things. And really, any of the questions about my past that would have easily made me uncomfortable... I've long since answered to anyone that needs to know. The rest of the people that might ask -- would find out I don't really give a damn what they think of the answer, and that I rarely bother with polite lies.

So I suppose the only question I might 'dread' is... hearing "What the hell were you thinking?" from any of the very few people I actually give a damn about the opinion of. Pretty much limited to Wintergreen, my wife and children, or maybe Logan and the Kid -- if I'm feeling generous -- these days. Mostly because it's going to mean I've just done something I probably should have learned a lesson on by now.

Of course, I never did much like hearing it from Frannie, either. The lecture wasn't going to be two breaths behind it, whatever I'd done to make her ask -- and she always did know just how to lay the law down in a way I wasn't going to forget in a hurry.
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"That's why I write, because life never works except in retrospect. You can't control life, at least you can control your version." Chuck Palahniuk (Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories)

I normally leave quotes and debates on that kind of topic to my old friend -- he's the one that seems to think it would be a good idea to write up my life as some novel. Why, I have absolutely no idea, but making all of his notes and drafts have kept him entertained all this time so it's worth it. I do wonder how much of it he's going to have to scrap, to have anyone believe it or to keep me from levels of embarrassment I don't really want to ever see again.

But... I don't think I agree all that much with the quote. Maybe if I wrote fiction I'd have a different opinion.

--yes, I know you're all laughing at the idea. So am I.

From where I stand, though, life makes even less sense in retrospect than it did the first time through. At least while it's hitting the fan you're not dealing with other people's second-guessing what you do.

At least as far as I've seen, or experienced.
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I am now -- too late.

Thank god.

And Rose.

I'm sorry, kaun-srei. I should have known.


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November 2009

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