sylph_fics

Title: The Pressure of Existence
CoWriter:

merfilly
Characters: Ollie Queen, Dick Grayson, Mia Dearden, Boston Brand
Rating: R
Word Count: 3395
Continuity:

pervyficgirl's On A Simple Twist Of Fate, merfilly's The Grief of A Mother, and the cowritten (by

ilyena_sylph) When It All Falls Down, Sweeping Up The Pieces, A Little Support, A Little Glue , Cracks Around the Edges
Disclaimer: DC Comics owns
Notes: Many thanks to

pervyficgirl for "laying the concrete" to this.

It was probably a good thing Ollie was sleeping so little, as the low whimpers that spoke of one of Dick's nightmares started to slide under the door of his bedroom. Those nightmares weren't new, much as the young man had tried to hide them, tried to exhaust himself to the point that he simply could not dream... but they had found him again.

Ollie sighed softly, steeling himself to be strong again, rising from his bed and pulling his sweats on. He walked from his room to Dick's, just slipping inside and going to sit on the edge of the bed. "Dick."

The low voice did nothing to pull him away from his nightmare, and the whimpers became words, "...roy... roy no..."

"Dick," Ollie said more firmly. "ROBIN!"

That strong, lithe body snapped upright, eyes snapping open sightlessly, scanning the room for what had awakened him, heart racing a mile a minute as he took quick, desperate breaths, agony in his eyes.

Ollie reached out then, hand sliding over his shoulder, around his neck to gently squeeze. "Are you with me now, Dick?"

"I... I'm here..." Dick curled up on himself, pulling his knees to his chest, wrapping an arm around them.

Ollie turned, looking at the younger man with pity. "If I move over there, you going to freak out?" he asked, knowing just how violent Dinah had been after a nightmare.

Dick shook his head against the grip, wrapped tight around himself. "No."

The blond slipped up to the headboard, and manhandled Dick into moving up against his chest, doing nothing more than stroking his hair and back. "Need to talk?"

Dick shuddered, finally unbending enough to tuck his head against Ollie's shoulder, breathing familiar scents with a soft sigh. "I... maybe..."

"I'm here, your friend, and my ear is open." Ollie prayed to Roy for patience, for understanding, so that he did not step in it with Dick as he tried to help the younger man.

Dick sighed softly, leaning into him, "I... we were... in the old Tower, together, just... clowning. being us..."

"Sounds like the two of you. Roy was never one to be serious back then," Ollie said gruffly.

Dick nodded once, quick and sharp, and sucked in a breath. "Then... it started changing around me, flashbacks of the worst of our fights, every time I left... then I was back on that rooftop..." His shoulders shook violently as he curled tighter against the living body next to him, tears starting to streak down his cheeks despite how he fought them.

Ollie brought his hand up, wiping at the tears lightly, then gently tipped Dick's chin up. "My boy...loved you. He knew he could not hold you, that you had to be free. He hoped to one day be enough, but...he could never cage the beauty of the one he loved by making demands."

"I... saw him telling me it was my fault..." he couldn't even think about Ollie's words, not now...

"NEVER!" Ollie squeezed Dick tightly to him. "I'm his father! Do you think I would have you in my home if I thought that?! No. And it would not be the way Roy thought! Ever!"

Dick closed his eyes and buried his face against Ollie's shoulder again, "I... I know that during the day... but I can't seem to convince myself at night..."

"Then...you don't need to be alone at night." Ollie opened the door to the tiger, knowing himself, knowing this man's reputation, but he could not leave Dick suffering. "If you'll let me, I'll be near..."

"I... can't ask that, Ollie. Not... not from you, not with..." //not when you feel so much like him already, not... I... know myself way too well...//

"I'm not saying..." Ollie gritted his teeth; he knew, knew this could not turn out well. How could it? He had been alone for so long already, not really finding what he needed with Dawn, missing Di...he ruthlessly cut that off. "Just someone in the room, Dick. That's all."

Dick shook his head, cursing himself, "Sorry, Ollie, didn't mean... That... might help... Do you have them, too?" worried question.

Ollie bit his lip, turning his face aside as tears came. "Old ones, brought back by this, new ones, showing me how helpless I was, long ones that won't let me go as they show me just what a fool I was."

Dick twisted to reach up, uncurling out of the ball to stroke Ollie's back, "Maybe we can... guard each other, then? I want to help, if you'll let me..."

Ollie turned back slowly, pressing his brow into the crook of Dick's shoulder and neck. "Yeah."

Dick relaxed, very slowly, tugging Ollie down into the bed. "Okay. We'll... watch each other." He squeezed a shoulder hard, lying near him. //This... is so not smart...// He knew himself far, far too well that to believe this was smart, but...

Ollie settled on his back, knowing far better than to turn on his side. He was an earthy man, accustomed to strong lovers, and Dick... Dick was among the strongest. The fact he had belonged to Roy was Ollie's shield, as he let Dick settle close. Dick settled with a hand lightly on his chest, not daring to curl under his arm, and murmured a soft goodnight.

`~`~`~`~`

Ollie was at least discreet; he managed to slip out of the bed every morning before Lian had risen for the day. Dick occasionally saw the effort it took for Ollie to be completely chaste toward him, betrayed on rarer moments by a quick brush of his lips over Dick's hair. Every one of those touches stirred entirely too much in Dick, made him long for what he'd lost so desperately that it was hard to breathe... and he buried himself in caring for Lian, or in the simplicity of just him and a punching bag, until that would pass.

Things continued, neither willing to put themselves into further complications, neither admitting what they both knew. The days went by with Lian slowly adapting, getting settled into life in Star City, and the adults avoiding the pink elephant.

Until late one Tuesday evening, when Mia's voice suddenly rang out in not-at-all-Mia's tones, "Yo, Flying Grayson, where are ya, I don't have all damn night!"

Dick tensed, adrenaline surging as he ran down the stairs, eyes locking on her as he asked incredulously, "Brand?"

Ollie had come running too, knowing the voice, and knowing the implications. "Boston?!"

"You two're sharp, for a pair that've hung it up..." the ghost in her body praised, smiling.

"What do you want, Boston?"

"Cough it up, Deadman...we hung it up for damn good reasons." Ollie's voice was a growl, as he crossed his arms and stayed far from Dick.

"I'm not supposed to be doing things like this, but when a dame with legs like that asks that nice, what's a guy supposed to do?"

Dick tensed all over, wishing yet again that hitting the spook would do anything but hurt Mia. "Damn it Boston!"

"Dinah?!" Ollie wavered on his feet, as he thought of his Pretty Bird brokering a deal with Deadman. //She hasn't moved on, oh god! Pretty Bird, am I chaining...is it me, or is it Lian?//

Dick lunged sideways, steadying him on his feet, his eyes wide as Boston rattled his world, shook him up...

"Not saying any names, but she sure cuts a fine figure in those 'nets, and the redhead looks pretty good, too. They conned me into running down here with a coupla messages for ya. One: knock it off with the blaming yourselves--pretty typical, that one," Deadman shrugged. "Two--and this doesn't make as much sense to me... Y'need to talk to the demon girl. When she did what she did with the artist, it didn't get everything onto that disk, some of it stayed in him, so it wasn't really him... That make any more sense to you than it does me?"

"Demon...Raven?" Ollie asked, staring at Dick, not fully understanding that part of the message. //Together. She wouldn't let him go or he wouldn't her...//

Dick's legs went out from under him despite the grip he had on Ollie, looking up at Mia from his spot on the floor, "Yeah. Boston. It makes plenty of sense... Anything else?" //Oh. My. God.....// His hands were trying to shake, hell, his entire body was trying to shake in reaction.

Ollie slid down next to his friend, to the one person in existence he could care about outside of his family, gripping his shoulders tight.

"Only that you need to be paying attention. There was something brewing. Seems like its stalled, but... eyes open, kid."

Dick shook a little more violently at those words, that intonation in a voice so wrong, "I get the message, Brand. Thank you. Tell... tell him I love him?"

"Sure, Grayson, sure. 'Go away, Boston,' right?"

"Boston...thank you...and let them know...both of them..." Ollie couldn't get any further as he just lost it, thinking of his family, trapped in limbo and still thinking enough of them to get warnings and messages across.

"No problem, Queen," Brand said as he vanished out of Mia's body.

Dick dropped his head against his knees, shuddering in reaction to the news, heart slamming against his ribs so damn hard.

"What the fuck was that?!" Mia demanded.

"Deadman. Can you go be irate somewhere else?" Ollie growled through his pain. Mia decided that was a great idea, absconding for a hot shower.

Dick shuddered and forced himself to his feet, fighting the case of the shakes off enough to try and get upstairs and collapse where Lian could not see him if she came out of her room.

Ollie was nowhere near that strong just yet, as he struggled with knowing what the Afterlife was supposed to be like, hating that his love had been denied that, that Roy was barred from his eternal peace...and yet, he wondered if either could have been happy without the other.

Dick turned halfway up the stairs, realizing Ollie wasn't with him, and went down to grab hold of his arm, struggling to pull him up, get him moving... Woodenly, the heavier archer followed the acrobat, up the stairs and into a room without caring whose it was.

Dick dropped onto the bed, closing his eyes again, whispering, "Oh, my god, ohmygod..." //oh, god, Roy, I miss you so much...you really don't blame me? I.. I wasn't wrong... it wasn't really...//

"Explain it to me, kid...let me see what is running so strong in your veins right now," Ollie said softly, wiping at his face.

"He... Boston was talking about Slade, Ollie... he was still crazy, god, he was still crazy, and Roy thought to tell me..." That... that just utterly rocked his world, stunned him to the bone as much as the shock of the message coming at all..

"Oh my god...Kid!" Ollie knew just how much that had to mean, how many answers it provided them both. "He was still nuts..."

"Y-yeah... god..." Dick twisted, shoved himself into and against Ollie's arms. "He didn't... He didn't take Roy from me--us..." he amended apologetically, fighting the urge to sob in relief.

"Let it go, kid...I know...I know from Roy how caught up in Slade your life was," Ollie admitted, biting back a thousand bitter words to focus on Dick's relief, on the fact Dick might heal.

"Been hating him, so much.. I just..." the first sob ripped out of his throat, shoving up against his side, "God, damnit..." He shuddered, "Fuck, he told you... and now he reassures me from the afterlife that--" He couldn't finish that sentence, and another slipped out in its place, low, tiny whisper. "I never deserved him..."

The low growl that escaped Ollie was almost primal as he gripped he other's shoulders, shook him hard three times. "You listen to me, Richard John Grayson...My boy doesn't fight losing battles! If you had not been worth it to him, he would have fuckin' turned his back on you that way the second time you ran off to the girl in Gotham! But no...He saw in you the one soul he could live his life with...once you were ready!"

The fury in Ollie's voice as he lashed out at him shattered something in Dick's heart all over again and the sobs building changed from relieved to just as desolate as they had been as Tim held him, falling all the way back into the pit of grief and self-hate that he'd slowly been crawling out of as he struggled like a wild thing to get out of Ollie's hold.

"No...no..." Ollie's voice modulated back down, reining in that beast of anger that had lashed out when Dick was so weak. "God, Dick... I'm sorry." He struggled to make sure Dick could not escape him, crushing him close, lips feathering over dark hair at his temple. "Please, Dick...forgive me...god, don't pull away..." There was desperation in his voice, fresh tears marring his cheeks as he felt Dick slipping from him, taking his anchor on life.

Dick finally stopped fighting against powerful arms that were so damn much like Roy's, offering him the safety he--didn't deserve, had been so stupid about for so long, had hurt and betrayed and lost... He needed that safety--and so utterly didn't deserve the offer, or the strength behind it, but to say so would only draw more of Ollie's rage so--he remained silent but for the sobs, face pressed into his chest, hurting too much, too deep, to be anything but pliant...

"Dick..." Ollie felt that crumpling, felt the way Dick just broke, and realized he had, despite all intentions, still managed to screw it up again. "Lay down, Dick," he said softly, releasing him from his arms, already pulling away as he saw his failures on full display. "Just lay down, and sleep it out. Lian will be fine. Mia's in the house." He could not stay, could not continue to force his existence on the one person he was supposed to support above all others.

"Don't leave?" Dick whispered, curling down small against the bed, desperate not to be alone even though that was exactly what he deserved...

"After what I just did to you? Kid...I should have just stayed dead for all the good I've done this time around," Ollie said flatly, resting on the edge of the bed.

Dick closed his eyes, "Deserved the smack. Probably deserve worse. And you shouldn't have stayed dead, Lian needs you."

"Dick...I failed you. How soon until I fail her? Not long, I can promise you that." Ollie sighed heavily, laid down on the edge of the bed, his back to Dick. Later would be soon enough. Once Lian had Dick occupied, he'd go pound the bag, consider what he should do.

Dick twisted enough to slide across the bed, curling against Ollie's back. "It's okay, Ollie..." whispered softly.

Ollie shuddered one time, violently, at the feel of that firm body lying behind him. He bit his lip to bring pain to the forefront to fight off the wrong images his mind was giving him.

"It's okay," Dick whispered again, clinging to the only stability he had left. "My issues, not your fault, deserved the yell."

"Dick..." Ollie tried hard to not show his tension, but the word came out strangled. "You...should not...down yourself."

"Why?" low, aching whisper.

Ollie closed his eyes, wishing the younger man would move away. "Because my Roy believed in you."

"..yeah, he did..." Dick shifted back and curled up on himself, swallowing hard as the grief tried to strike again, harder. //Even when I didn't deserve it...//

"Because I need to believe in you," Ollie whispered, almost too soft to hear.

"Why..?"

"Because if I don't...I've got nothing left. I shoved Hal away, my Di is gone, you tore Bruce from me..." He closed his eyes as that last slipped out; not having meant to share that.

Dick froze at that, going utterly still and silent, "Bruce?" he whispered, stunned.

"Fuck..." Ollie whispered, shoving over onto his back to stare at the ceiling. "It's why it hit me so hard, Dick, what you said about Bruce using Roy to get to you." He could not help the way his hands fisted up, wanting to lash out. "I gave him every ounce of trust I ever had when we were both very new to this Crusading thing. Every bit of me was his."

Dick closed his eyes, curling up tighter around himself, "I'm so sorry," he whispered, throat and chest aching. He knew exactly how it felt when... "Pushed you away... like me..."

"Not...not exactly." Ollie could not let it lie like that, not when what Bruce had done was as much a sacrifice as a gift. "I met Dinah. One of his city. A woman that I could not resist..." His voice throbbed with emotion as he remembered the tumultuous first dates. "He ended it, to free me, because of her beliefs, because he respected her."

Dick opened his eyes again, watching Ollie's face, and finally nodded slowly. "Sounds... sounds like the man I used to know."

Ollie drew himself tightly under control, and looked at Dick closely. "I…I've never been one for staying alone, Dick. The women weren't just a distraction and cover like they were for Bruce…I'm sanest when there is someone around." He tried to find the ay to phrase the tumult in his head so as not to offend Dick.

Dick nodded slowly, closing his eyes, "Yeah... I know a little something about that..."

"I can't see myself ever opening back up, that way, to anyone else. They'd never understand that my heart died with her," the archer told Dick.

Dick's chin jerked once, hard, sharp movement, and his hands tightened, turning his face away. "Yeah... I don't have it left to give. He took it with him... and I can't go near anyone else I was ever with... I hate myself for every minute I spent with them and not him too much..."

"Fuck yes," Ollie whispered. He slid his hand up into Dick's hair. "Kid…Dick." Green eyes were carefully guarded, much as the tone was. "I'm here for you, no matter what. And I'm willing to lean on you. But we've both been dancing around something else…."

Dick looked back at him, conflict written all over his face as he leaned back into the touch, sigh ghosting out of him as his hand tensed slowly. "Yeah... we have... but then, it's a couple dozen levels of fucked up, isn't it? Even without the added level you just told me about..."

"Yeah. Believe me, I know." Ollie grimaced. "Just saying…if it leans that way, in the long run…I know it's Roy you're reaching for."

From anyone else, Dick would've been too shocked to even think it through, but from Ollie, who was hurting even more than he was... He could almost understand, and he curled tighter into the hold, shaking his head slowly, but only in disbelief. "God... I... okay, Ollie. Okay. ...Thank you. ...Neither one of us was really cut out to be alone..."

Ollie breathed a sigh of relief. "Not saying it will…but wanted to clear the air," he murmured. He drew his hand back, closing his eyes as he made himself relax, trying not to think of Dinah and Roy for just five minutes, so he could breathe without the piano sitting on his chest.

Dick nodded again. "Yeah... It's been... complicating things. Least it's in the open?" Dick settled back, still more than half stunned and shocked by earlier, let alone this...

"Yeah, it's out." Ollie opened his eyes to fight off the image he had of Roy's arms around Dinah, both of them watching over this melodrama.

Dick sighed softly, opening his eyes to watch Ollie quietly. The archer gave him a small smile, one that was far too tragic to have any meaning beyond acknowledging Dick was watching him.

"Guess we ought to get moving again..."

"You go, Dick…I need some time." Ollie rolled to his side, pulling a pillow down to his chest. "Lian will be up any time now from her nap…and I can't hide the pain right now."

"Alright." Dick curled a hand tight around Ollie's shoulder, then made himself move away, getting up off the bed. He was still slightly shocky from everything, but they both needed some space right now... He'd finish freaking out about the revelations later.