Cracks Around the Edges
Jan. 31st, 2007 08:12 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
sylph_ficsTitle: Cracks Around the Edges
CoWriter:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
merfilly
Characters: Ensemble, Ollie Queen and Dick Grayson focus
Rating: R
Word Count: 7,812
Continuity:pervyficgirl's On A Simple Twist Of Fate, merfilly's The Grief of A Mother, and the cowritten (by ilyena_sylph) When It All Falls Down, Sweeping Up The Pieces, A Little Support, A Little Glue
Disclaimer: DC Comics owns
Notes: Many thanks topervyficgirl for "laying the concrete" to this.
*hit* Breathe. *hit* Breathe. //knuckles hurt--don't care// Knee-kick-*hit*-breathe //it hurts--shut UP!//
He didn't know how long he'd been at the bag. Didn't care, either. The sweat pouring down his back, into his eyes like stinging tears and falling as he moved said it had been a while, though. Middle of the night was good for this, after Connor and Mia were back and out of his way, the lower gym was all his and he could beat the sand out of the punching bags instead of drowning in the pain...
Or the rage.
He hated how angry he was, which only made him madder, but he couldn't stop... With Roy, with Dinah, GOD with Slade, with Bruce... the anger that'd been boiling and building for days whipsawed between all of them, never knowing when it would coil and strike him again. The only people he didn't hate sometimes were Ollie, Lian, and Tim--because angry as he was with everyone else, he was angrier yet with himself. Angry over everything he'd ever done, over every time he'd left Roy, not been there, every nasty, cutting comment he'd ever made trying to push Roy away, when he should have been holding on so tight...
His breath caught, broke and he nearly slipped as he spun and slammed a heel into the bag, fighting the //God, I'm Sorry// wail in his throat, trying to focus again... if he could just wear himself out, he might sleep...
He had not heard Ollie come in, had not noticed when the ex-archer chose to stand just out of the field of vision, watching him, knowing some of what Dick had to be feeling, but not sure if he should step in or not, with the level of violence in this particular lashing out.
//God. Damnit.// The focus wasn't coming, the slip had triggered all of the rage and the next punch was a bad one, wrongness ricocheting up his arm as he made himself re-center enough not to throw another bad strike.
//How the fuck could you leave me? Why did you take him from me, you had to have known!? What were you thinking, getting him to get me?// the thoughts lashed through his head erratically, bristling with anger that telegraphed itself through his body with no-one there to see....
It was too much for Ollie, and he moved, moved into the fighting space, moved to where Dick had to see him, ready to defend himself, but wanting only to stop him from getting hurt.
The movement caught his attention and he twisted, tracking the target before he realized who it was and just nodded once, admitting that he knew he was there before he buried a foot deep in the bag, attention focusing back on his moves.
"Dick...stop." Ollie's voice was low, rough with his worry, with the concern he held.
Dick shook his head once, hard, sweat tossing from the ends of his hair. //No, I can't... if I stop I can't keep it at bay...//
"Dick!" Ollie moved making himself a target by the quickness of it. "You have to stop!"
The movement at speed overrode the voice and a knee snapped up, in across his body and the heel went out hard, into the center of Ollie's chest, even at the edge of his range before he could stop it, the rest of his body coiling for another attack.
Ollie followed through, hands coming up to brace against the next attack. "Need... to... stop..." He would not be the aggressor, would not spar when Dick was so obviously not focused, but he could not let Dick get injured in any way that Lian, sharp as she was, might notice.
The gentle tone, the waiting posture... those managed to get through and he twisted his body to stop that second attack before it could land, swearing at him in gutter Rom as his eyes blazed with everything he was feeling, chest heaving as he tried to breathe.
Ollie saw it, and turned one hand, palm up, and held that out to Dick, begging him with his eyes to take it. Dick had to fight himself to take that hand, every muscle down his spine and legs tensed. //Yes?//
Ollie gave the lightest pull, trying to give Dick the other kind of physical comfort. "Lian. You can't keep this up, because she'll see it on your skin."
Lips skinned back from his teeth as he snarled a few more choice profanities in Ollie's direction about that, blue eyes wild with fury as he braced against the pull, hand locking hard on Ollie's.
"Let me...you want to cuss someone out, I'm your man. If you can put up with a slow, old man, I'll even run with you. But look at your other hand."
He glanced down... and winced slightly. That was going to hurt in the morning... actually, it already hurt. //Deserve it...// He stretched it slowly, and managed to pull his voice back into English. "Couldn't keep up with me... and I just did."
Ollie nodded slowly and stepped slowly forward, every sense on Dick. "Talk to me."
"I've officially hit rage. Seem to have mostly skipped panic... but the guilt complex and I are getting along wonderfully." Sound of someone who'd been shoved through a few too many therapy sessions.
"No." Ollie shifted and moved the other hand into Dick's hair, closing the space, and touching his forehead to Dick's. "Talk. Don't tell me the clinical side of things; I know them. I feel them, just not...not like you do. He was my son, the man I was the proudest of, and the one I hurt the worst in my sorry life." Ollie took a slow breath. "Talk about the real stuff inside."
"I could kill him myself, for leaving me..." the whisper was more than half broken, "it's like I'm mad at the whole damn world..."
"Yeah, know that part of it too damn well. Get so pissed, and then I remember I don't have the right to get angry." Ollie ran his hand down to the back of Dick's neck. "So much anger, though."
Dick nodded against the touch, other hand coming up to fasten on Ollie's shoulder, "I... If it'd been anyone else, I could deal, but.."
"It was Roy...your soul. And then the fact it was done by a man you had...a complicated history with, that's got to tear even more grief into it." Ollie's voice was gentle as he said it.
Dick nodded fast and hard, shaking. "He... I just don't... Itrustedhim... I knew I shouldn't but I trusted him..." The words didn't carry half the self-hatred he felt for that fact, for every time he'd not put everything he had into stopping Slade, every time he hadn't listened... "And I'm so fucking angry with Dinah I can't breathe, it was my fight, my lover...--I'm sorry..."
"Don't apologize for that...I'm more pissed off at her than anything else," Ollie growled softly, teetering on the brink of his abyss as he had to think of the beauty he had shared so much of his life //not enough of it// with. "I can't figure out how the man that I met in Vegas, who introduced himself as Jericho's father, could do that, could be so fucking evil as to kill his son's friend, to orphan a little girl, when he seemed to hold family so important!"
"Neither can I!" It was soft, quiet, helpless, and he shuddered in Ollie's hold as the other man's baffled words threw him something like a line. "I just... I can't make it make sense... feel like I must have been so blind--blind to everything else, why not that too?"
Ollie shifted his hold on Dick, pulling the younger man closer, stroking down his back soothingly. "We'll never get any damn answers, and that is another part of what hurts. I just..." Ollie bit off his words, then sighed. "I just wish I knew why. Why my boy had to die like that."
Dick leaned back into the touch with a soft whimper at Ollie's words, "I... my fault..." It'd been screaming in the back of his brain for days, but he still couldn't believe he'd said it out loud...
"Kid, there's no way in hell I'll let you take the blame for this," Ollie said fiercely.
"It is... you don't know..."
Ollie drew Dick down on the mats, settling him to his chest, legs protesting but letting him get Dick held just right. "Talk to me, then, let me know why you see it that way."
Dick wondered if he would lose this shelter too, when Ollie knew how he'd set his son up for this, but he couldn't deny the words, "I said I was out, after.. after Donna, that I couldn't do it again--should've stuck to it!" low, bitterly savage hiss. "He'd be okay if I had..."
The older man made a low sound in his throat. "Roy needed a team, needed the feel of others going into battle with him," he pointed out. "If you had stayed out, he still would have been trying to do just what he was, don't you think?"
"It wouldn't have been one Bruce was bankrolling, if I'd made it damn clear there was no way..."
Ollie froze, arms tightening on Dick. "Bruce?" The word was low, disbelieving...and very anguished.
Dick nodded against his chest, curled tight into him. "Went to him to put the team together, knew Roy could talk me into anything, thought I'd be better if I... Manipulative son of a bitch couldn't just come talk to me? Had to use Roy to..." his voice choked off with the tears he was fighting.
"Goddamnedsonofabitch...trusted him...hated the way he screwed with you, and then he goes and uses my own damn son?!" Ollie's voice was a low hiss, before he buried his face into Dick's dark hair, placing a kiss on he side of his head. "Damn it, Dick...I'm sorry, but this shit is not your fault!"
Dick jumped at the kiss, pressing tighter as Ollie got angry, "I didn't know who was funding it, didn't care enough for months to track it... I went postal when I found out, practically had a knock-down-drag-out with Roy and went to scream at Bruce, especially after Roy told me he'd been feeding us mission intel..." He shuddered, swallowed, clung to Ollie's shoulders harder as he whispered, "but that wasn't Bruce..."
"Wasn't Bruce?" Ollie was trying to understand, even as his rage simmered at what Bruce had done, not just for the fact he had buried his son, but because the bastard had felt it necessary to be so manipulative of Dick. People could say what they liked about his own piss poor fathering skills, but every step he had made wrong with Roy had been in front of the boy's face.
"I got down to the Cave, started in on Bruce... and he told me he hadn't seen Roy since he funded the team... not in over a year..."
"Oh god." To think that his son had been played so viciously, a shadow puppet without even knowing it for so long was devastating. "You confronted Roy...oh, fuck...he must have confronted..." Ollie's eyes closed at the idea Roy had not been prepared at all for Slade, that he had thought it was Bruce.
"I tried to hail him, he told me he was talking to Batman... So utterly my fault... if I'd waited til I got back, hadn't blown the play..."
"Fuck." Ollie pressed his face to Dick's shoulder, clinging to the younger man, his body shaking as he started to envision just how that final fight had to have happened, how Roy would have struggled with every last ounce of will to find some way to over come a man rumored to be the best fighter, barring Richard Dragon.
"Then his comm went dead." The voice was utterly flat for those words. "Went as fast as I could... still too late..."
"Not your fault," Ollie said, his voice hitching hard. "Not your fault, and Roy would not want this! He would kick your ever loving ass for trying to pull the blame off of the man who did kill him." His fingertips dug into Dick's skin, he was holding him so strongly. "Trust me on that, Dick."
"But..." //It is my fault, he was only there for me, trusted Slade-as-Bruce because of me, I...//
"No." Ollie caught Dick's chin, turned his face so they could look eye to eye. "Whatever shadow-play Slade was making...he would have found a way to do it, your involvement or not. I know that much about the man." He shook his head slowly. "You want to feel guilt for not being more in Roy's life, I'll let you. God knows, I share it! But...you don't get to take this on your shoulders."
Dick closed his eyes, head dropped against the grip on his chin, shudders running through him as Ollie denied his guilt, "Feels like my fault..."
"Might feel like it, but it's not." Ollie got himself firmly under control. "Roy would hate you carrying that burden while you raise his little girl for him."
Dick shuddered, entire body tightening. "Oh, fuck, you're right... He would..."
Ollie nodded slowly. "So you have to let it go." The blond ran his hand over Dick's hair lightly.
"Not that easy..." he whispered, "know that already..."
"God, don't I know it." He shuddered all over. "So much ugliness in my head."
Dick twisted to sit up, opening his eyes to look at Ollie, hand stroking his shoulder, pulling himself together, "So talk to me," he coaxed.
"No. Not tonight," Ollie said, dropping his shadowed eyes from those blue ones that knew too much pain. "Not yet."
"Let me help, Ollie..." Dick was almost begging, wanting to give back... the older man's words were going to help, even if he already knew there would be times he didn't believe it...
Ollie leaned his head back, a single tear coursing his cheek. "I need to," he admitted. "But I can't just yet...not after what you told me about Bruce."
Dick reached up, hand on his shoulder running higher, up into his hair, and he nodded slowly. "All right. Just don't you forget I'm here, all right?" he pressed close, repeating that with his body, weird as it was to be like this with Roy's dad, it was nice to have someone that understood how he reacted, was willing to let him...
Ollie nodded, taking a deep breath. "I can't talk to anyone else. And you...you are the one I have the most to share with, now. Because of Roy, because of all I ever did wrong or right in his life."
"God, I know that one..." soft sob against his throat as that side of the pain slammed back to life.
Ollie made a softer noise, feeling Dick's pain in the voice, in his body, and gently pressed a kiss to the young man's temple. He was well aware of how much Dick needed physical closeness, and if it did bother him on one level, on another, he saw it as the only way to make sure they stayed tied together, to save each other. Dick jerked back, staring at him in confused shock, but still pressed into the hold.
Ollie relaxed his hold, realizing he had pushed past the comfort zone. "Sorry...just..."
Dick relaxed at the tone, more than the words, and shrugged it off. "It's okay." The shock had knocked him out of the grief and back into a still, almost stunned state. "Oh, god, my hands hurt..." he finally realized.
Ollie caught one of the hands, looked it over, and shook his head. "Let me get the kit." He started to untangle himself from Dick so he could rise.
Dick nodded and slid free, "Yeah. And ice, later..." //Thank you for shocking me...// weird as hell thought to have. //but I've got it, now...//
Ollie got the kit and came back, taking care of Dick's hands with a sure touch. Dick settled under the touch, hands aching as he flexed them.
"How's your legs?" Ollie caught his eyes. "Need the rub for them?"
"Mm... yeah, probably smart." He hadn't even noticed. "...How long were you watching?"
"Too long. Shoulda stopped you sooner." Ollie found the rub he had first introduced Roy to, a compound he had found early on, and his hand shook as he handed it over.
"Not real likely to have listened," Dick said as he found somewhere to drop and work on his legs. "Hate to think how bad my form must have been getting."
Ollie turned away, walking over to the bag, looking for damage to it. "Yeah, well."
"'Least I stopped before I broke that one?" Dick said, tone almost wry as he hissed as he worked the rub in.
"This is true," Ollie said, with a low chuckle. He finally came back over, and knelt, just outside of Dick's reach. "Kid...if I mess up, you have to tell me. I'm bad for not thinking things through...and you hurting is..." His eyes were haunted as he tried to apologize.
Dick shook his head. "It's okay, Ollie. Don't worry about it." //Is... what?// he wouldn't ask, couldn't ask.
"I do." Ollie looked down in shame. "Promised Roy, long time ago, if anything happened... I'd make sure to keep an eye on you."
Dick leaned, slick hand sliding on the side of his throat. "I'm not worried about it, Ollie. Just a touch, you didn't mean anything by it. It's fine--we're fine."
Ollie nodded, shivering slightly even as he pressed into the touch. "Gonna be able to walk up?"
"Yeah. Didn't do myself that much damage." He pulled his hand back, seeing the strength of the reactions worriedly. //What's going on that you're not telling me?// he noted it for later, eyes dark as he finished working the rub into his legs, watching Ollie.
The blond started putting the kit back together, making himself work, making himself move away from the betrayal he felt, that Bruce had done this to him. He could not believe that his boy might ultimately be alive, if it had not been for the interference of the man he had.... A ruthless shake of his head forced those thoughts away.
"ollie?" the word was soft as Dick moved to stand at his back, hand on his shoulder.
Ollie flinched violently, then pressed back. "Sorry, kid...too many thoughts about the past."
Dick hugged him close, then pulled away slowly. "When you're ready to talk, you know where I am..."
"Yeah." Ollie tried hard not to follow the touch. "I'll go on up, if you promise no more abusing our stuff."
"I was going to head up, too," Dick said. //Stay down here, I'll do something stupid...//
"Sounds good. Want a cup of tea?" Ollie led the way up.
"Sure. Might as well." //Not going to sleep anyway.//
`~`~`~`~`
Ollie finished tucking Lian in for the night, and headed back into the hall. He paused, seeing Dick there, standing outside the room he had made Connor pad lock shut, one hand resting on the door. It made Ollie's heart go cold, and he started to turn the other way. A soft sigh preceded him going down to Dick, stepping behind him, placing a light hand on Dick's shoulder.
Dick leaned back into the touch, eyes closing. Even he wasn't sure what had drawn him to this doorway like a magnet, when he couldn't even stand the thought of putting a foot in New York... And he really hadn't meant for Ollie to see him here.
"Made Connor lock it, so no one could ... just to keep it safe," he whispered.
Dick nodded. "Yeah..."
"Maybe one day..." Ollie pressed his forehead to the back of Dick's neck.
"Hm?" Dick pressed back into the touch, shoulders back against Ollie's chest, wondering what he was thinking.
"Maybe one day I'll be able to deal with it." Ollie ran his hands down over Dick's shoulders.
Dick nodded slowly, "Maybe... I don't even know why I'm standing here..."
The older man ran a hand up Dick's arm to the hand still on the door. He laid his hand over Dick's, fingers lacing lightly. "Probably means he's thinking about you right now."
Dick turned his head to look back over his shoulder, "You think?"
"Yea."
"Here's hoping he's not cussing me out again..."
Ollie chuckled. "That would be me he's cussing."
//Nothing new about that...// "Maybe so... i... miss him." //So much it hurts to breathe, stupid and clichéd as that saying is, it's true...//
"We both do."
Dick nodded again, slowly, trying to make himself pull away from the door and keep on going.
"Come on, Dick...I've got an old home movie we can reminisce over."
Dick closed his eyes, then nodded, "All right. Sounds good..." //Sounds like hell, but better than just standing here...//
"Alright." Ollie gently pulled him along, finding the tape of Speedy getting ready to go to the Titans for the first time.
"Aw, man... he looks so young..." Dick swallowed hard, perched back away from Ollie.
"You all were, and he was so... excited. Didn't want you guys to think he was uncool."
Dick rolled his eyes. "Idiot... like he didn't have cool in spades?"
Ollie laughed. "That's my boy. The cool kat on the block."
"Oh yeah... even in those damn pink sunglasses..."
Ollie roared with laughter then, and Dick couldn't help smiling.
They settled in, listening to Speedy alternate between fussing about the camera and what he wanted to do... and how he couldn't wait to see Robin again. Dick curled in on himself at that, closing his eyes.
Ollie reached over and pulled him close, holding onto him loosely. "You made my boy glow."
Dick curled into him when Ollie reached out, having almost gotten used to this over the last couple of weeks... Ollie was nearly as physically oriented as he was, didn't pull away or go rigid when he touched him...
The video came to an end with Speedy tilting his hat a bit more and climbing into the ArrowPlane.
"Copycat," Dick said softly, mainly because it was kind-of expected...
"Yeah yeah," Ollie said, just as soft. Dick just leaned against him, eyes closed, when Ollie didn't argue.
Ollie settled them a little better, closing his own eyes and cutting the TV off.
"I... thanks for showing me that."
Ollie just nodded. "There are others, but that one has been pulling me to watch again." //Back when he was happy with me...//
Dick sighed softly, nodding. "When you get the urge to watch another... let me know. Guess I ought to move, huh?"
"No... unless you have to." Ollie kept his arms loosely on him. "I'm comfortable. You?"
"Okay, then."
Ollie just stroked his hair lightly, lulling himself to rest, if not sleep.
*~*~*~
Bruce sighed softly, trying--and failing--not to worry over his son. It had been rather obvious when Tim came back from the Haven riding Nightwing's customized bike that Dick didn't intend to come back any time soon. Learning that Alfred had returned with the rest of his equipment and stored it away had made it even more plain... He wondered what Dick was doing with himself, but his one attempt to talk to Dick himself had ended... badly.
He felt, more than heard, as Barbara rolled up behind him. "Bruce?"
"Yes, Babs?" She'd come back to Gotham for Dinah's funeral... and simply had never left. She was staying with Jim, and running as Oracle from a secure link out of the Cave... for now. He wasn't sure how long that would last, however.
"He's got to heal, Bruce..." She reached out to take his hand.
He let her take his hand, turning to look at her. "I know. That doesn't..." //Help.//
"I know. It's not what you need..."
Bruce nodded slightly, hand still caught in hers. "I understand the anger... but I'm concerned. Ollie is... well. Ollie."
Barbara nodded. "A flake, emotionally retarded, a playboy...shall I go on?"
"No, that covers it nicely."
"Line and verse from ...from her."
Bruce turned to rest his other hand on her shoulder, knowing very well how much it hurt her to mention the woman she'd loved. "She would know."
Barbara sighed softly. "I wish he'd come home, but, I think there's just too much pain."
"I... do too."
Green eyes were hurting, but she would not give way to it. "All we can do is give him time."
He nodded slowly and dropped down beside her again, hand sliding to cup her face. "If we have it..." She'd nearly left all over again at the revelation of his monitoring program (the fight had terrified the bats), but she'd been convincing, and between them they'd shut it down again. Some of the things in the code... they were still going through and sorting out. Not all of that programming was his... not by a long shot.
She brought her hand to his, covering it as she fawned into his touch. "We will make things right. Find out what's moving that we can't quite see."
Bruce nodded, hand against her skin gently. "Yes, we will." He watched her move into the touch and worried for her, staying there.
"Is this wrong?" she asked him softly. Her eyes met his, as she questioned the way comfort had drawn them into one another's lives again, as equals in a complex need for someone to share the pain with. It was not love, not quite, and yet, it was not without its moments of strong feeling.
"No, Babs. It's not." //Despite what some might think.// He cared for her, deeply, and much as he disliked admitting it about himself, they both needed the comfort. She probably more than he, but...
She let out a long deep sigh. "I just wish...I wish he had not pushed Kor'iander away. He needs someone."
Bruce nodded slowly, hand stroking her face. "Nothing we can do about it, though." The twist of his lips said precisely how well that set.
She clenched her eyes shut, a long moment, then focused. "We have work to do," she said clearly.
"You're right." He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead as he stood to move towards the computers with her.
`~`~`~`~`
Raven intercepted Tim in the hall as he was coming in. "Robin...I think we need answers. It's four weeks since we lost Arsenal. Tell me, have we lost Nightwing?"
Tim closed his eyes behind the mask, then re-opened them to look at Raven, and nodded once. "Yes. He's not coming back."
"The others need to know...but you might want to let me tell Kory."
"Please tell Kory," Robin replied, not wanting to deal with that, then nodded. "I guess you're right. I'll... deal with it." He went to find Bart.
Raven turned on her heel to go find her sister in arms, to take her somewhere private and speak to her.
Bart focused, stopped reading the latest books, as he realized Tim was looking for him. He came to as close to a full stop as he could, watching his leader carefully. "What is it?"
"Round everyone up for me, in the den."
"On it." A bright yellow streak was the lasting after image as Bart moved off.
Tim nodded and headed down, calling Kon's name as he did... and Kon was at his side before he managed to reach the den. "Yeah?"
"Out of time. Raven's telling Kory."
"Oh, shit."
"I'll tell everyone...and repeat that going to him as a hero is a bad idea. Maybe just as friends..."
Vic walked in on the tail end of those words, his eye troubled. "Robin... trouble?"
Cassie wasn't far behind him, and settled onto the edge of a couch, watching them. Beast Boy came in not long after, followed by Speedy and Kid Flash, with the former eying Robin suspiciously. She never mentioned Dick living in her home, always sticking to the secret identities' rules.
Tim waited until everyone settled, glancing from face to face, "Nightwing's not coming back. He's out."
Vic's shoulders tensed and his hand flexed into a tight fist, //Damnit, Dick!//
"What?" Cassie was stunned enough to actually say what everyone was thinking.
Speedy gave him just the slightest nod, knowing how hard this had to be. She and Connor and Kyle had talked over both men's decisions several nights on patrol.
"That can't be; he always comes back," Beast Boy said, looking lost and small.
"Holy shit," Bart whispered without thinking about it.
"Not this time, Gar. He's out. And nobody is going to go try and drag him back. Not as a hero, anyway. You older ones want to go as his friends... I can't stop you. But he wants out." He was consciously pulling some of Dick's command-mannerisms, knowing the elder Titans were conditioned to listen to them, to certain pitches and postures...
Cassie looked just as lost as Gar did, more even, "Why?"
Kon bit his lip on the answer, not wanting to spill Dick's secrets. Beast Boy looked at her, tears in his eyes. "Robin and Speedy. Nightwing and Arsenal."
"Yeah...no matter who they dated, they were a pair," Vic replied softly. "We all knew it, even if they never threw it out."
"Oh.." her fingers covered her lips as she closed her eyes. "That... no wonder..."
Robin's head snapped up as he heard an unearthly... scream? keen? wail? start to ring through the Tower, out over the grounds... //Now Kory knows...//
Kon winced, fingers pressed against his ear, "Oww..."
Vic and Gar exchanged a look, and then rose as one. "We'll go help calm her," Vic managed to say, resting a hand on Gar's shoulder as they moved out.
Kid Flash hunched in on himself. "Doesn't he see he's letting that bastard hurt so many more people by quitting?"
"Watch it, KF," Robin snapped, face hard under the lines of the mask.
Bart snapped into a rigidly angry posture. "It's the truth, Robin!"
"You haven't seen him. There's nothing of Nightwing left to come back--and I don't want what is left anywhere near a battlefield."
Kid Flash tried to fight that one off with more logic, but something in Kon's eyes stopped him. "Alright, man."
"Maybe in a year or two, he'll get himself back together enough to be someone I'd trust at my back, but until then... everyone needs to leave him alone and let him raise Lian." It felt disloyal to say, but it was true.
"We'll do that," Cassie said, still very shaken.
"Here's hoping," Mia responded softly.
Tim nodded.. and smiled slowly at Mia. "You hanging in?" His hand settled against Kon's waist.
She looked nervously at the other Titans, unsure who knew what. "There is a Green Arrow; there has to be a Speedy."
"Yeah. I know. Good enough. That's it, guys."
`~`~`~`~`
The very insistent knocking on the front door was loud, fast, and utterly obnoxious. Dick was the only one home currently, with Lian asleep. Ollie had promised to be home soon, tied up downtown on business as he researched what he needed to do to get more involved in civic affairs.
Dick swore and went to answer the door, //You wake my girl and I swear to god, whoever you are...//
As the door swung open, he saw Wally standing there, visibly mad and ready to spill his mind on it.
Dick stepped out the door and shut it. "C'mon around back, Wally."
"Fine." He pointedly stayed at Dick's speed.
Dick stepped up onto the back deck and leaned against the railing, "Yeah?"
"Whatthefuckdoyou...think you are doing?!"
"At the moment? Listening to you yelling at me. Once you leave? Raising Lian."
Wally almost gnashed his teeth at that calmness. "You fucking can't quit! This is that archer's fucking idea! He fucking quit and told you it would be a good idea, right?!"
"No, Wally. Ollie had nothing to do with me choosing to hang it up... and yes, I can. I have."
"No, damn it! WE NEED YOU!"
"No, you don't, Fleetfeet," Dick's voice was gentle. "The last thing you need is me anywhere near a battlefield."
Wally's shoulders shook as he leaned out over the railing, not understanding. "What the fuck, Robbie? You... You're the leader!"
"I can't, Wally... I just... can't do it anymore--oh, I could go through the motions, maybe, but... it takes more than that, and I haven't got it to give. And I promised Roy I'd take care of Lian if anything happened to him... I'm not going to orphan that little girl again."
Wally turned back to him. "Then leave her to Ollie. He already quit! We can help you get back in the game!"
Dick caught his jaw, and made Wally look into his eyes as he let the grief and loss and emptiness build up in his eyes until he couldn't breathe with the strength of it. "no, wally."
Wally looked honestly confused. "Dick...man, you belong out there...it's in your blood. Come join the League if Titans is not your thing now. Just come back!"
"Wally... Lian's all I've got left of him. I'm not leaving her. ...I can't, Wally. I told Roy I was out of the team thing when Donna died--and if I'd stuck to that he might still be alive. No."
"All that's left of him? You talk like..." Wally's eyes went wide as realization finally hit. "Ohmygod!"
"About time, Fleetfeet," Dick said softly. "Few years slow on the uptake, though."
"You and SPEEDY!" Wally's face turned red. "Damn...I thought for sure he was straight."
Dick shook his head. "The word's bisexual, Wally. And yeah, me and Speedy."
The next instant Wally was laying a hand on the other man's shoulder. "Sorry...sorry I laid into you, sorry you lost him..."
Dick curled against him, shaking. "See why I can't? He was my partner, Wally... I can't put the suit back on I buried him in, and I can't do this without him at my back..."
Wally nodded slowly. "Won't ever hear a word on it from me again," he promised, squeezing that shoulder. "But I am still your friend."
"Thanks, Wally... I... appreciate it. You... take care of yourself, alright? I'm really fucking tired of funerals."
"Got you, Dick." Wally threw his arms around his long time friend. "You don't get lost, okay?"
"I'm still breathing, Wally. Roy saddled me with about another decade and a half, I'll be around."
Wally let go and nodded. "See ya man." He blurred away in a streak, so Dick did not have to say any farewells.
Dick went to head back inside and check on Lian, aching from what he'd had to do to back Wally off him.
Lian was asleep, traces of tears on her cheeks, the Arsenal and Speedy plushies hugged tight to her little chest. He sank down beside the bed, leaning against it with his eyes closed, arms wrapped around his knees.
It was almost twenty minutes later when Ollie came in, crossing the floor quietly to kiss Lian's forehead. He then sank down beside Dick, looking at him in concern.
Dick opened his eyes, darkness still in them. "How'd it go?"
"Red tape. Issues over who I am. The usual." Ollie cocked his head a bit. "You look like hell."
"Thanks," Dick shot him a sarcastic look. "C'mon, let's not wake Lian."
Ollie struggled to his feet, then caught Dick's hand and pulled him up. Dick let Ollie lift him, and headed out of the room, going down to find a couch and curl up in the corner of it.
Ollie detoured to the kitchen, making hot tea for both of them; he had found a blend that Dick seemed to like. He came back with two steaming mugs, and settled on the floor under where Dick was sitting.
"Apparently the Titans finally got it out of Robin or Speedy," Dick said after sipping at his tea for a little while.
"Someone came by?"
"Wally."
"Oh." It made perfect sense to Ollie, one of the remaining original Titans.
"Yeah. Trying to make me come back... Had to floor him to make him shut up."
Ollie looked up, then took a sip of his tea. "Oh?"
"Mm-hm. He... somehow missed that Roy and I were together. We never shoved it in his face, and I always thought he just preferred to ignore it... but he really didn't know."
"He always was the straight one. Garth had his attempts to steal Arthur's women, you and Speedy..." Ollie smiled.
"And we all just didn't think about Donna's past," Dick nodded, agreeing with that. "Yeah... like I said, had to floor him. But he's going to leave it alone."
"Good. Gave me ten kinds of hell for leaving Elite." Ollie leaned his head back on Dick's thigh.
"...He can be such a jackass, much as I love him..." Dick wasn't impressed.
"It's partly us older ones' faults. He tried so hard to fill Barry's shoes...we forgot to not push him."
Dick nodded, not arguing with that. "Needed a Flash," he shrugged, trying not to go off about the truth of that, that becoming League had done something to Wally that had and would probably never heal.
"Didn't have to forget he was still a kid." Ollie sat forward again, finishing off his tea.
"Just looking for me to cuss you out?"
"Kinda miss that," Ollie told him, turning to smile up at Dick. "Yeah, I know I gave you plenty of reason to bitch me out. No surprise there...Ollie, world's biggest screw up, " he admitted.
"Mm..." Dick though about arguing that, then let it go with "Well, you do have more practice..."
Ollie nodded. "Yeah, well, I made up for it, cussing at Bruce and Arthur," he said.
Dick tilted his head, "Yeah? Why?"
"Because...once upon a time, I did pay attention, and Roy would bitch about the way both you boys were handling their stupidity...and I'd get pissed." He gave a rueful shake of his head. "Just wish I'd paid more attention to what I was doing, rather than being sanctimonious."
Dick's eyes flashed with blue fire, "Yeah, that woulda been nice... but then, if I'd just stayed in touch with him when we split the first time..."
Ollie broke down almost instantly, the cup falling from his numb hand and bouncing on the plush carpet as he buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking with regret and self-hatred mixed into the grief. Dick slid down instantly, curling around his back and side as he pulled him tight. "Easy... easy..." whispered softly against his hair.
"She didn't even know his name! And she was better to him than me!!! Who had been taking...no, who had been around for three years already!" Anger and loss came through as Ollie struggled to deal with the pit of his mistakes and the raw black hole threatening to pull him in as he could no longer block the thoughts of his soulmate, lost to him forever.
Dick pulled him tight, stroking his hair, "We both left him when he needed us most..."
Ollie dissolved into honest tears then, grieving for the boy he had betrayed, for the woman that had been their salvation, for lost futures.
Dick just held him tight, whispering in his first language, soft nothing-things and snatches of old lullabies. //That's right, Ollie... my turn to be the support... I'm here, I've got you...//
It took a while before Ollie was quiet. He was not asleep, but silent with the calm of a person standing in the middle of a thin bridge over an abyss. Dick didn't let go, but slowly went silent, keeping him held tight, one hand moving just a little.
"Did Roy tell you why I failed her this time?" Ollie asked. "That I had an affair, the girl wound up dead... and I pushed Dinah away?"
"No... he didn't tell me," Dick said softly. "Trying to protect her?"
"In my own way. And just coping with the fact I had failed her, again," Ollie whispered. "Never should have gotten in MidNite's way."
Dick shook his head. "You loved her. She loved you. It was worth trying... Not like I can say anything about bouncing between lovers," bitterness in his voice, "I was a fucking expert at it..."
"My worst mistake was Hal, godammit."
"Yeah? Mine was... fuck, mine was Babs. He never minded Kory..."
Ollie snorted. "No, he loved Kory in his own way." Ollie shook his head. "Babs was Batgirl?"
Dick winced, then nodded, "Yeah. Never could get over her, she'd call and I'd go... Or I'd try and start again, for some stupid reason..."
"Roy told me a lot about that...usually in a mixed run of languages and curses." Ollie closed his eyes slowly. "Hal and I were lovers...god, I think we started within weeks of me and Di...always thought I had it hidden. Should have known better."
Dick winced, "Bet he did..." He closed his eyes at what Ollie'd said, seeing all too clearly the world they'd lived in then, and at the same time, what it would have done to Dinah to know that... "Hell of a mess," he finally said.
"Yeah." Ollie clenched his fists, remembering every stray look that had seemed out of place... until he had learned she knew about the affair. The fact she had said nothing...he had found the silence a worse accusation, he realized. "I always loved her, though!"
Dick nodded, "Just... torn..." he said softly, all too much understanding in his words. Ollie nodded silently, and Dick just stroked his shoulder. "Why the fuck did they ever put up with us?"
"Hearts of gold," Ollie told him. "And the thrill of the fight got them both riled up..."
"God, did it ever..." aching longing in his voice for the way Roy would blaze after a good fight...
"She turned me away...only went on the date...to test herself I think." Ollie smiled ruefully. "Thank god, Riddler crashed...the fight had us both..." He chuckled softly. "A rocky new start, but oh damn, it was great!"
"He'd pick a fight with me just to get us going, knew I never could tell him no when he..." Dick's voice broke off, rather out of embarrassment or grief, even he wasn't sure.
"Damn, it was good like that...no thinking, just...us!" Ollie closed his eyes, able to smell and feel her right there.
"Yeah," complete agreement and understanding in his voice.
The older man shifted, slightly uncomfortable as memories pressed too strongly on him. Dick started to let go, feeling the unease in his body, twisted in knots himself, but not willing to abandon him.
Ollie turned slowly, shifting away, but looking at Dick. "Thanks."
"How many times did you pack me to bed? Hold me? Bandage my hands? Least I can do... I told you. I'm here."
Ollie nodded sharply, making himself stand up. "Gonna head downstairs, son...got some shit to work out now."
"Want company?"
Ollie's face was shadowed. "Might not be the best idea."
"Don't hurt yourself." His eyes flicked up at the ceiling, reminding him why.
Ollie flinched, turning away. He whispered something so softly under his breath Dick could not catch it. "I won't," he said more clearly as he walked away.
Dick waited most of half an hour before he headed downstairs to check on him. He'd had to give him his space, but... too much space was a real bad thing, he knew that damn well.
He found Ollie sitting in the middle of the mats, knees pulled up, arms locked around them, body still shaking from what Dick could see of his back. Nothing seemed to have been touched, and Dick did not smell sweat. //What the...?// He went to him, crouching close to his side, "Ollie?"
The older man started with a violent flinch, snapping back to the room they were in, away from the place his mind had gone.
"Hey," Dick said softly, making damn sure Ollie knew who and where he was before he even tried to touch him.
"Told ya not to come," Ollie said, voice rough and pitiful, all at once.
"Got worried..." Dick stroked a hand down his back.
That back was tense and knotted far more than normal, obviously locked up with tension. "Not worth it, Dick. Never have been."
"Bullshit. You've been taking care of me..." //I owe you this much...//
"Told Roy I would," the man said gruffly, but then he dropped his head, and his entire body seemed to be defeated. "Not that I could help it. Loved my boy."
"I know... even he knew... most of the time, he knew.."
Ollie shook his head. "Please...don't stay down here." He was wrestling with his problems, trying to regain control...to stop from making a huge mistake with Dick.
"You haven't left me," Dick pointed out worriedly.
Ollie looked up into those blue eyes, and felt absolutely miserable. "You need me." It came out weak, more a questioning than a statement.
"Yeah," Dick nodded. "I do... we do."
The older man moved, pressing into Dick's space and wrapping arms around the younger one's waist. "God!"
Dick held him close, hands rubbing down his back, //You're the only one that gets it... You've got to stay. Lian can't lose anyone else...//
Ollie shuddered and pressed his face into Dick's hair. He wanted to admit the problem he had, but he could not lose Dick or Lian, over something so stupid.
"It's okay, Ollie. I'm here... It's okay..."
It took several deep breaths before Ollie could manage to speak. "Fine... I'm fine. Little one needs us both as sane as we can act," he managed.
Dick chuckled bitterly, "Yeah... and hell, we're both good at faking that. Okay." He knew he was lying... but... whatever it was, Ollie wasn't ready to talk, and he could wait.
Ollie nodded, and gave Dick's hair an unconscious nuzzle. "Play me a game of cards or something. No way in hell I'm sleeping with my demons tonight."
"Sure. Poker or otherwise?"
"Works." Ollie pulled away to stand up. Dick slid to his feet with him, heading for the stairs, worried, but willing to just play distraction for now. He'd ask again later.
CoWriter:
merfilly Characters: Ensemble, Ollie Queen and Dick Grayson focus
Rating: R
Word Count: 7,812
Continuity:
pervyficgirl's On A Simple Twist Of Fate, merfilly's The Grief of A Mother, and the cowritten (by ilyena_sylph) When It All Falls Down, Sweeping Up The Pieces, A Little Support, A Little GlueDisclaimer: DC Comics owns
Notes: Many thanks to
pervyficgirl for "laying the concrete" to this.*hit* Breathe. *hit* Breathe. //knuckles hurt--don't care// Knee-kick-*hit*-breathe //it hurts--shut UP!//
He didn't know how long he'd been at the bag. Didn't care, either. The sweat pouring down his back, into his eyes like stinging tears and falling as he moved said it had been a while, though. Middle of the night was good for this, after Connor and Mia were back and out of his way, the lower gym was all his and he could beat the sand out of the punching bags instead of drowning in the pain...
Or the rage.
He hated how angry he was, which only made him madder, but he couldn't stop... With Roy, with Dinah, GOD with Slade, with Bruce... the anger that'd been boiling and building for days whipsawed between all of them, never knowing when it would coil and strike him again. The only people he didn't hate sometimes were Ollie, Lian, and Tim--because angry as he was with everyone else, he was angrier yet with himself. Angry over everything he'd ever done, over every time he'd left Roy, not been there, every nasty, cutting comment he'd ever made trying to push Roy away, when he should have been holding on so tight...
His breath caught, broke and he nearly slipped as he spun and slammed a heel into the bag, fighting the //God, I'm Sorry// wail in his throat, trying to focus again... if he could just wear himself out, he might sleep...
He had not heard Ollie come in, had not noticed when the ex-archer chose to stand just out of the field of vision, watching him, knowing some of what Dick had to be feeling, but not sure if he should step in or not, with the level of violence in this particular lashing out.
//God. Damnit.// The focus wasn't coming, the slip had triggered all of the rage and the next punch was a bad one, wrongness ricocheting up his arm as he made himself re-center enough not to throw another bad strike.
//How the fuck could you leave me? Why did you take him from me, you had to have known!? What were you thinking, getting him to get me?// the thoughts lashed through his head erratically, bristling with anger that telegraphed itself through his body with no-one there to see....
It was too much for Ollie, and he moved, moved into the fighting space, moved to where Dick had to see him, ready to defend himself, but wanting only to stop him from getting hurt.
The movement caught his attention and he twisted, tracking the target before he realized who it was and just nodded once, admitting that he knew he was there before he buried a foot deep in the bag, attention focusing back on his moves.
"Dick...stop." Ollie's voice was low, rough with his worry, with the concern he held.
Dick shook his head once, hard, sweat tossing from the ends of his hair. //No, I can't... if I stop I can't keep it at bay...//
"Dick!" Ollie moved making himself a target by the quickness of it. "You have to stop!"
The movement at speed overrode the voice and a knee snapped up, in across his body and the heel went out hard, into the center of Ollie's chest, even at the edge of his range before he could stop it, the rest of his body coiling for another attack.
Ollie followed through, hands coming up to brace against the next attack. "Need... to... stop..." He would not be the aggressor, would not spar when Dick was so obviously not focused, but he could not let Dick get injured in any way that Lian, sharp as she was, might notice.
The gentle tone, the waiting posture... those managed to get through and he twisted his body to stop that second attack before it could land, swearing at him in gutter Rom as his eyes blazed with everything he was feeling, chest heaving as he tried to breathe.
Ollie saw it, and turned one hand, palm up, and held that out to Dick, begging him with his eyes to take it. Dick had to fight himself to take that hand, every muscle down his spine and legs tensed. //Yes?//
Ollie gave the lightest pull, trying to give Dick the other kind of physical comfort. "Lian. You can't keep this up, because she'll see it on your skin."
Lips skinned back from his teeth as he snarled a few more choice profanities in Ollie's direction about that, blue eyes wild with fury as he braced against the pull, hand locking hard on Ollie's.
"Let me...you want to cuss someone out, I'm your man. If you can put up with a slow, old man, I'll even run with you. But look at your other hand."
He glanced down... and winced slightly. That was going to hurt in the morning... actually, it already hurt. //Deserve it...// He stretched it slowly, and managed to pull his voice back into English. "Couldn't keep up with me... and I just did."
Ollie nodded slowly and stepped slowly forward, every sense on Dick. "Talk to me."
"I've officially hit rage. Seem to have mostly skipped panic... but the guilt complex and I are getting along wonderfully." Sound of someone who'd been shoved through a few too many therapy sessions.
"No." Ollie shifted and moved the other hand into Dick's hair, closing the space, and touching his forehead to Dick's. "Talk. Don't tell me the clinical side of things; I know them. I feel them, just not...not like you do. He was my son, the man I was the proudest of, and the one I hurt the worst in my sorry life." Ollie took a slow breath. "Talk about the real stuff inside."
"I could kill him myself, for leaving me..." the whisper was more than half broken, "it's like I'm mad at the whole damn world..."
"Yeah, know that part of it too damn well. Get so pissed, and then I remember I don't have the right to get angry." Ollie ran his hand down to the back of Dick's neck. "So much anger, though."
Dick nodded against the touch, other hand coming up to fasten on Ollie's shoulder, "I... If it'd been anyone else, I could deal, but.."
"It was Roy...your soul. And then the fact it was done by a man you had...a complicated history with, that's got to tear even more grief into it." Ollie's voice was gentle as he said it.
Dick nodded fast and hard, shaking. "He... I just don't... Itrustedhim... I knew I shouldn't but I trusted him..." The words didn't carry half the self-hatred he felt for that fact, for every time he'd not put everything he had into stopping Slade, every time he hadn't listened... "And I'm so fucking angry with Dinah I can't breathe, it was my fight, my lover...--I'm sorry..."
"Don't apologize for that...I'm more pissed off at her than anything else," Ollie growled softly, teetering on the brink of his abyss as he had to think of the beauty he had shared so much of his life //not enough of it// with. "I can't figure out how the man that I met in Vegas, who introduced himself as Jericho's father, could do that, could be so fucking evil as to kill his son's friend, to orphan a little girl, when he seemed to hold family so important!"
"Neither can I!" It was soft, quiet, helpless, and he shuddered in Ollie's hold as the other man's baffled words threw him something like a line. "I just... I can't make it make sense... feel like I must have been so blind--blind to everything else, why not that too?"
Ollie shifted his hold on Dick, pulling the younger man closer, stroking down his back soothingly. "We'll never get any damn answers, and that is another part of what hurts. I just..." Ollie bit off his words, then sighed. "I just wish I knew why. Why my boy had to die like that."
Dick leaned back into the touch with a soft whimper at Ollie's words, "I... my fault..." It'd been screaming in the back of his brain for days, but he still couldn't believe he'd said it out loud...
"Kid, there's no way in hell I'll let you take the blame for this," Ollie said fiercely.
"It is... you don't know..."
Ollie drew Dick down on the mats, settling him to his chest, legs protesting but letting him get Dick held just right. "Talk to me, then, let me know why you see it that way."
Dick wondered if he would lose this shelter too, when Ollie knew how he'd set his son up for this, but he couldn't deny the words, "I said I was out, after.. after Donna, that I couldn't do it again--should've stuck to it!" low, bitterly savage hiss. "He'd be okay if I had..."
The older man made a low sound in his throat. "Roy needed a team, needed the feel of others going into battle with him," he pointed out. "If you had stayed out, he still would have been trying to do just what he was, don't you think?"
"It wouldn't have been one Bruce was bankrolling, if I'd made it damn clear there was no way..."
Ollie froze, arms tightening on Dick. "Bruce?" The word was low, disbelieving...and very anguished.
Dick nodded against his chest, curled tight into him. "Went to him to put the team together, knew Roy could talk me into anything, thought I'd be better if I... Manipulative son of a bitch couldn't just come talk to me? Had to use Roy to..." his voice choked off with the tears he was fighting.
"Goddamnedsonofabitch...trusted him...hated the way he screwed with you, and then he goes and uses my own damn son?!" Ollie's voice was a low hiss, before he buried his face into Dick's dark hair, placing a kiss on he side of his head. "Damn it, Dick...I'm sorry, but this shit is not your fault!"
Dick jumped at the kiss, pressing tighter as Ollie got angry, "I didn't know who was funding it, didn't care enough for months to track it... I went postal when I found out, practically had a knock-down-drag-out with Roy and went to scream at Bruce, especially after Roy told me he'd been feeding us mission intel..." He shuddered, swallowed, clung to Ollie's shoulders harder as he whispered, "but that wasn't Bruce..."
"Wasn't Bruce?" Ollie was trying to understand, even as his rage simmered at what Bruce had done, not just for the fact he had buried his son, but because the bastard had felt it necessary to be so manipulative of Dick. People could say what they liked about his own piss poor fathering skills, but every step he had made wrong with Roy had been in front of the boy's face.
"I got down to the Cave, started in on Bruce... and he told me he hadn't seen Roy since he funded the team... not in over a year..."
"Oh god." To think that his son had been played so viciously, a shadow puppet without even knowing it for so long was devastating. "You confronted Roy...oh, fuck...he must have confronted..." Ollie's eyes closed at the idea Roy had not been prepared at all for Slade, that he had thought it was Bruce.
"I tried to hail him, he told me he was talking to Batman... So utterly my fault... if I'd waited til I got back, hadn't blown the play..."
"Fuck." Ollie pressed his face to Dick's shoulder, clinging to the younger man, his body shaking as he started to envision just how that final fight had to have happened, how Roy would have struggled with every last ounce of will to find some way to over come a man rumored to be the best fighter, barring Richard Dragon.
"Then his comm went dead." The voice was utterly flat for those words. "Went as fast as I could... still too late..."
"Not your fault," Ollie said, his voice hitching hard. "Not your fault, and Roy would not want this! He would kick your ever loving ass for trying to pull the blame off of the man who did kill him." His fingertips dug into Dick's skin, he was holding him so strongly. "Trust me on that, Dick."
"But..." //It is my fault, he was only there for me, trusted Slade-as-Bruce because of me, I...//
"No." Ollie caught Dick's chin, turned his face so they could look eye to eye. "Whatever shadow-play Slade was making...he would have found a way to do it, your involvement or not. I know that much about the man." He shook his head slowly. "You want to feel guilt for not being more in Roy's life, I'll let you. God knows, I share it! But...you don't get to take this on your shoulders."
Dick closed his eyes, head dropped against the grip on his chin, shudders running through him as Ollie denied his guilt, "Feels like my fault..."
"Might feel like it, but it's not." Ollie got himself firmly under control. "Roy would hate you carrying that burden while you raise his little girl for him."
Dick shuddered, entire body tightening. "Oh, fuck, you're right... He would..."
Ollie nodded slowly. "So you have to let it go." The blond ran his hand over Dick's hair lightly.
"Not that easy..." he whispered, "know that already..."
"God, don't I know it." He shuddered all over. "So much ugliness in my head."
Dick twisted to sit up, opening his eyes to look at Ollie, hand stroking his shoulder, pulling himself together, "So talk to me," he coaxed.
"No. Not tonight," Ollie said, dropping his shadowed eyes from those blue ones that knew too much pain. "Not yet."
"Let me help, Ollie..." Dick was almost begging, wanting to give back... the older man's words were going to help, even if he already knew there would be times he didn't believe it...
Ollie leaned his head back, a single tear coursing his cheek. "I need to," he admitted. "But I can't just yet...not after what you told me about Bruce."
Dick reached up, hand on his shoulder running higher, up into his hair, and he nodded slowly. "All right. Just don't you forget I'm here, all right?" he pressed close, repeating that with his body, weird as it was to be like this with Roy's dad, it was nice to have someone that understood how he reacted, was willing to let him...
Ollie nodded, taking a deep breath. "I can't talk to anyone else. And you...you are the one I have the most to share with, now. Because of Roy, because of all I ever did wrong or right in his life."
"God, I know that one..." soft sob against his throat as that side of the pain slammed back to life.
Ollie made a softer noise, feeling Dick's pain in the voice, in his body, and gently pressed a kiss to the young man's temple. He was well aware of how much Dick needed physical closeness, and if it did bother him on one level, on another, he saw it as the only way to make sure they stayed tied together, to save each other. Dick jerked back, staring at him in confused shock, but still pressed into the hold.
Ollie relaxed his hold, realizing he had pushed past the comfort zone. "Sorry...just..."
Dick relaxed at the tone, more than the words, and shrugged it off. "It's okay." The shock had knocked him out of the grief and back into a still, almost stunned state. "Oh, god, my hands hurt..." he finally realized.
Ollie caught one of the hands, looked it over, and shook his head. "Let me get the kit." He started to untangle himself from Dick so he could rise.
Dick nodded and slid free, "Yeah. And ice, later..." //Thank you for shocking me...// weird as hell thought to have. //but I've got it, now...//
Ollie got the kit and came back, taking care of Dick's hands with a sure touch. Dick settled under the touch, hands aching as he flexed them.
"How's your legs?" Ollie caught his eyes. "Need the rub for them?"
"Mm... yeah, probably smart." He hadn't even noticed. "...How long were you watching?"
"Too long. Shoulda stopped you sooner." Ollie found the rub he had first introduced Roy to, a compound he had found early on, and his hand shook as he handed it over.
"Not real likely to have listened," Dick said as he found somewhere to drop and work on his legs. "Hate to think how bad my form must have been getting."
Ollie turned away, walking over to the bag, looking for damage to it. "Yeah, well."
"'Least I stopped before I broke that one?" Dick said, tone almost wry as he hissed as he worked the rub in.
"This is true," Ollie said, with a low chuckle. He finally came back over, and knelt, just outside of Dick's reach. "Kid...if I mess up, you have to tell me. I'm bad for not thinking things through...and you hurting is..." His eyes were haunted as he tried to apologize.
Dick shook his head. "It's okay, Ollie. Don't worry about it." //Is... what?// he wouldn't ask, couldn't ask.
"I do." Ollie looked down in shame. "Promised Roy, long time ago, if anything happened... I'd make sure to keep an eye on you."
Dick leaned, slick hand sliding on the side of his throat. "I'm not worried about it, Ollie. Just a touch, you didn't mean anything by it. It's fine--we're fine."
Ollie nodded, shivering slightly even as he pressed into the touch. "Gonna be able to walk up?"
"Yeah. Didn't do myself that much damage." He pulled his hand back, seeing the strength of the reactions worriedly. //What's going on that you're not telling me?// he noted it for later, eyes dark as he finished working the rub into his legs, watching Ollie.
The blond started putting the kit back together, making himself work, making himself move away from the betrayal he felt, that Bruce had done this to him. He could not believe that his boy might ultimately be alive, if it had not been for the interference of the man he had.... A ruthless shake of his head forced those thoughts away.
"ollie?" the word was soft as Dick moved to stand at his back, hand on his shoulder.
Ollie flinched violently, then pressed back. "Sorry, kid...too many thoughts about the past."
Dick hugged him close, then pulled away slowly. "When you're ready to talk, you know where I am..."
"Yeah." Ollie tried hard not to follow the touch. "I'll go on up, if you promise no more abusing our stuff."
"I was going to head up, too," Dick said. //Stay down here, I'll do something stupid...//
"Sounds good. Want a cup of tea?" Ollie led the way up.
"Sure. Might as well." //Not going to sleep anyway.//
`~`~`~`~`
Ollie finished tucking Lian in for the night, and headed back into the hall. He paused, seeing Dick there, standing outside the room he had made Connor pad lock shut, one hand resting on the door. It made Ollie's heart go cold, and he started to turn the other way. A soft sigh preceded him going down to Dick, stepping behind him, placing a light hand on Dick's shoulder.
Dick leaned back into the touch, eyes closing. Even he wasn't sure what had drawn him to this doorway like a magnet, when he couldn't even stand the thought of putting a foot in New York... And he really hadn't meant for Ollie to see him here.
"Made Connor lock it, so no one could ... just to keep it safe," he whispered.
Dick nodded. "Yeah..."
"Maybe one day..." Ollie pressed his forehead to the back of Dick's neck.
"Hm?" Dick pressed back into the touch, shoulders back against Ollie's chest, wondering what he was thinking.
"Maybe one day I'll be able to deal with it." Ollie ran his hands down over Dick's shoulders.
Dick nodded slowly, "Maybe... I don't even know why I'm standing here..."
The older man ran a hand up Dick's arm to the hand still on the door. He laid his hand over Dick's, fingers lacing lightly. "Probably means he's thinking about you right now."
Dick turned his head to look back over his shoulder, "You think?"
"Yea."
"Here's hoping he's not cussing me out again..."
Ollie chuckled. "That would be me he's cussing."
//Nothing new about that...// "Maybe so... i... miss him." //So much it hurts to breathe, stupid and clichéd as that saying is, it's true...//
"We both do."
Dick nodded again, slowly, trying to make himself pull away from the door and keep on going.
"Come on, Dick...I've got an old home movie we can reminisce over."
Dick closed his eyes, then nodded, "All right. Sounds good..." //Sounds like hell, but better than just standing here...//
"Alright." Ollie gently pulled him along, finding the tape of Speedy getting ready to go to the Titans for the first time.
"Aw, man... he looks so young..." Dick swallowed hard, perched back away from Ollie.
"You all were, and he was so... excited. Didn't want you guys to think he was uncool."
Dick rolled his eyes. "Idiot... like he didn't have cool in spades?"
Ollie laughed. "That's my boy. The cool kat on the block."
"Oh yeah... even in those damn pink sunglasses..."
Ollie roared with laughter then, and Dick couldn't help smiling.
They settled in, listening to Speedy alternate between fussing about the camera and what he wanted to do... and how he couldn't wait to see Robin again. Dick curled in on himself at that, closing his eyes.
Ollie reached over and pulled him close, holding onto him loosely. "You made my boy glow."
Dick curled into him when Ollie reached out, having almost gotten used to this over the last couple of weeks... Ollie was nearly as physically oriented as he was, didn't pull away or go rigid when he touched him...
The video came to an end with Speedy tilting his hat a bit more and climbing into the ArrowPlane.
"Copycat," Dick said softly, mainly because it was kind-of expected...
"Yeah yeah," Ollie said, just as soft. Dick just leaned against him, eyes closed, when Ollie didn't argue.
Ollie settled them a little better, closing his own eyes and cutting the TV off.
"I... thanks for showing me that."
Ollie just nodded. "There are others, but that one has been pulling me to watch again." //Back when he was happy with me...//
Dick sighed softly, nodding. "When you get the urge to watch another... let me know. Guess I ought to move, huh?"
"No... unless you have to." Ollie kept his arms loosely on him. "I'm comfortable. You?"
"Okay, then."
Ollie just stroked his hair lightly, lulling himself to rest, if not sleep.
*~*~*~
Bruce sighed softly, trying--and failing--not to worry over his son. It had been rather obvious when Tim came back from the Haven riding Nightwing's customized bike that Dick didn't intend to come back any time soon. Learning that Alfred had returned with the rest of his equipment and stored it away had made it even more plain... He wondered what Dick was doing with himself, but his one attempt to talk to Dick himself had ended... badly.
He felt, more than heard, as Barbara rolled up behind him. "Bruce?"
"Yes, Babs?" She'd come back to Gotham for Dinah's funeral... and simply had never left. She was staying with Jim, and running as Oracle from a secure link out of the Cave... for now. He wasn't sure how long that would last, however.
"He's got to heal, Bruce..." She reached out to take his hand.
He let her take his hand, turning to look at her. "I know. That doesn't..." //Help.//
"I know. It's not what you need..."
Bruce nodded slightly, hand still caught in hers. "I understand the anger... but I'm concerned. Ollie is... well. Ollie."
Barbara nodded. "A flake, emotionally retarded, a playboy...shall I go on?"
"No, that covers it nicely."
"Line and verse from ...from her."
Bruce turned to rest his other hand on her shoulder, knowing very well how much it hurt her to mention the woman she'd loved. "She would know."
Barbara sighed softly. "I wish he'd come home, but, I think there's just too much pain."
"I... do too."
Green eyes were hurting, but she would not give way to it. "All we can do is give him time."
He nodded slowly and dropped down beside her again, hand sliding to cup her face. "If we have it..." She'd nearly left all over again at the revelation of his monitoring program (the fight had terrified the bats), but she'd been convincing, and between them they'd shut it down again. Some of the things in the code... they were still going through and sorting out. Not all of that programming was his... not by a long shot.
She brought her hand to his, covering it as she fawned into his touch. "We will make things right. Find out what's moving that we can't quite see."
Bruce nodded, hand against her skin gently. "Yes, we will." He watched her move into the touch and worried for her, staying there.
"Is this wrong?" she asked him softly. Her eyes met his, as she questioned the way comfort had drawn them into one another's lives again, as equals in a complex need for someone to share the pain with. It was not love, not quite, and yet, it was not without its moments of strong feeling.
"No, Babs. It's not." //Despite what some might think.// He cared for her, deeply, and much as he disliked admitting it about himself, they both needed the comfort. She probably more than he, but...
She let out a long deep sigh. "I just wish...I wish he had not pushed Kor'iander away. He needs someone."
Bruce nodded slowly, hand stroking her face. "Nothing we can do about it, though." The twist of his lips said precisely how well that set.
She clenched her eyes shut, a long moment, then focused. "We have work to do," she said clearly.
"You're right." He pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead as he stood to move towards the computers with her.
`~`~`~`~`
Raven intercepted Tim in the hall as he was coming in. "Robin...I think we need answers. It's four weeks since we lost Arsenal. Tell me, have we lost Nightwing?"
Tim closed his eyes behind the mask, then re-opened them to look at Raven, and nodded once. "Yes. He's not coming back."
"The others need to know...but you might want to let me tell Kory."
"Please tell Kory," Robin replied, not wanting to deal with that, then nodded. "I guess you're right. I'll... deal with it." He went to find Bart.
Raven turned on her heel to go find her sister in arms, to take her somewhere private and speak to her.
Bart focused, stopped reading the latest books, as he realized Tim was looking for him. He came to as close to a full stop as he could, watching his leader carefully. "What is it?"
"Round everyone up for me, in the den."
"On it." A bright yellow streak was the lasting after image as Bart moved off.
Tim nodded and headed down, calling Kon's name as he did... and Kon was at his side before he managed to reach the den. "Yeah?"
"Out of time. Raven's telling Kory."
"Oh, shit."
"I'll tell everyone...and repeat that going to him as a hero is a bad idea. Maybe just as friends..."
Vic walked in on the tail end of those words, his eye troubled. "Robin... trouble?"
Cassie wasn't far behind him, and settled onto the edge of a couch, watching them. Beast Boy came in not long after, followed by Speedy and Kid Flash, with the former eying Robin suspiciously. She never mentioned Dick living in her home, always sticking to the secret identities' rules.
Tim waited until everyone settled, glancing from face to face, "Nightwing's not coming back. He's out."
Vic's shoulders tensed and his hand flexed into a tight fist, //Damnit, Dick!//
"What?" Cassie was stunned enough to actually say what everyone was thinking.
Speedy gave him just the slightest nod, knowing how hard this had to be. She and Connor and Kyle had talked over both men's decisions several nights on patrol.
"That can't be; he always comes back," Beast Boy said, looking lost and small.
"Holy shit," Bart whispered without thinking about it.
"Not this time, Gar. He's out. And nobody is going to go try and drag him back. Not as a hero, anyway. You older ones want to go as his friends... I can't stop you. But he wants out." He was consciously pulling some of Dick's command-mannerisms, knowing the elder Titans were conditioned to listen to them, to certain pitches and postures...
Cassie looked just as lost as Gar did, more even, "Why?"
Kon bit his lip on the answer, not wanting to spill Dick's secrets. Beast Boy looked at her, tears in his eyes. "Robin and Speedy. Nightwing and Arsenal."
"Yeah...no matter who they dated, they were a pair," Vic replied softly. "We all knew it, even if they never threw it out."
"Oh.." her fingers covered her lips as she closed her eyes. "That... no wonder..."
Robin's head snapped up as he heard an unearthly... scream? keen? wail? start to ring through the Tower, out over the grounds... //Now Kory knows...//
Kon winced, fingers pressed against his ear, "Oww..."
Vic and Gar exchanged a look, and then rose as one. "We'll go help calm her," Vic managed to say, resting a hand on Gar's shoulder as they moved out.
Kid Flash hunched in on himself. "Doesn't he see he's letting that bastard hurt so many more people by quitting?"
"Watch it, KF," Robin snapped, face hard under the lines of the mask.
Bart snapped into a rigidly angry posture. "It's the truth, Robin!"
"You haven't seen him. There's nothing of Nightwing left to come back--and I don't want what is left anywhere near a battlefield."
Kid Flash tried to fight that one off with more logic, but something in Kon's eyes stopped him. "Alright, man."
"Maybe in a year or two, he'll get himself back together enough to be someone I'd trust at my back, but until then... everyone needs to leave him alone and let him raise Lian." It felt disloyal to say, but it was true.
"We'll do that," Cassie said, still very shaken.
"Here's hoping," Mia responded softly.
Tim nodded.. and smiled slowly at Mia. "You hanging in?" His hand settled against Kon's waist.
She looked nervously at the other Titans, unsure who knew what. "There is a Green Arrow; there has to be a Speedy."
"Yeah. I know. Good enough. That's it, guys."
`~`~`~`~`
The very insistent knocking on the front door was loud, fast, and utterly obnoxious. Dick was the only one home currently, with Lian asleep. Ollie had promised to be home soon, tied up downtown on business as he researched what he needed to do to get more involved in civic affairs.
Dick swore and went to answer the door, //You wake my girl and I swear to god, whoever you are...//
As the door swung open, he saw Wally standing there, visibly mad and ready to spill his mind on it.
Dick stepped out the door and shut it. "C'mon around back, Wally."
"Fine." He pointedly stayed at Dick's speed.
Dick stepped up onto the back deck and leaned against the railing, "Yeah?"
"Whatthefuckdoyou...think you are doing?!"
"At the moment? Listening to you yelling at me. Once you leave? Raising Lian."
Wally almost gnashed his teeth at that calmness. "You fucking can't quit! This is that archer's fucking idea! He fucking quit and told you it would be a good idea, right?!"
"No, Wally. Ollie had nothing to do with me choosing to hang it up... and yes, I can. I have."
"No, damn it! WE NEED YOU!"
"No, you don't, Fleetfeet," Dick's voice was gentle. "The last thing you need is me anywhere near a battlefield."
Wally's shoulders shook as he leaned out over the railing, not understanding. "What the fuck, Robbie? You... You're the leader!"
"I can't, Wally... I just... can't do it anymore--oh, I could go through the motions, maybe, but... it takes more than that, and I haven't got it to give. And I promised Roy I'd take care of Lian if anything happened to him... I'm not going to orphan that little girl again."
Wally turned back to him. "Then leave her to Ollie. He already quit! We can help you get back in the game!"
Dick caught his jaw, and made Wally look into his eyes as he let the grief and loss and emptiness build up in his eyes until he couldn't breathe with the strength of it. "no, wally."
Wally looked honestly confused. "Dick...man, you belong out there...it's in your blood. Come join the League if Titans is not your thing now. Just come back!"
"Wally... Lian's all I've got left of him. I'm not leaving her. ...I can't, Wally. I told Roy I was out of the team thing when Donna died--and if I'd stuck to that he might still be alive. No."
"All that's left of him? You talk like..." Wally's eyes went wide as realization finally hit. "Ohmygod!"
"About time, Fleetfeet," Dick said softly. "Few years slow on the uptake, though."
"You and SPEEDY!" Wally's face turned red. "Damn...I thought for sure he was straight."
Dick shook his head. "The word's bisexual, Wally. And yeah, me and Speedy."
The next instant Wally was laying a hand on the other man's shoulder. "Sorry...sorry I laid into you, sorry you lost him..."
Dick curled against him, shaking. "See why I can't? He was my partner, Wally... I can't put the suit back on I buried him in, and I can't do this without him at my back..."
Wally nodded slowly. "Won't ever hear a word on it from me again," he promised, squeezing that shoulder. "But I am still your friend."
"Thanks, Wally... I... appreciate it. You... take care of yourself, alright? I'm really fucking tired of funerals."
"Got you, Dick." Wally threw his arms around his long time friend. "You don't get lost, okay?"
"I'm still breathing, Wally. Roy saddled me with about another decade and a half, I'll be around."
Wally let go and nodded. "See ya man." He blurred away in a streak, so Dick did not have to say any farewells.
Dick went to head back inside and check on Lian, aching from what he'd had to do to back Wally off him.
Lian was asleep, traces of tears on her cheeks, the Arsenal and Speedy plushies hugged tight to her little chest. He sank down beside the bed, leaning against it with his eyes closed, arms wrapped around his knees.
It was almost twenty minutes later when Ollie came in, crossing the floor quietly to kiss Lian's forehead. He then sank down beside Dick, looking at him in concern.
Dick opened his eyes, darkness still in them. "How'd it go?"
"Red tape. Issues over who I am. The usual." Ollie cocked his head a bit. "You look like hell."
"Thanks," Dick shot him a sarcastic look. "C'mon, let's not wake Lian."
Ollie struggled to his feet, then caught Dick's hand and pulled him up. Dick let Ollie lift him, and headed out of the room, going down to find a couch and curl up in the corner of it.
Ollie detoured to the kitchen, making hot tea for both of them; he had found a blend that Dick seemed to like. He came back with two steaming mugs, and settled on the floor under where Dick was sitting.
"Apparently the Titans finally got it out of Robin or Speedy," Dick said after sipping at his tea for a little while.
"Someone came by?"
"Wally."
"Oh." It made perfect sense to Ollie, one of the remaining original Titans.
"Yeah. Trying to make me come back... Had to floor him to make him shut up."
Ollie looked up, then took a sip of his tea. "Oh?"
"Mm-hm. He... somehow missed that Roy and I were together. We never shoved it in his face, and I always thought he just preferred to ignore it... but he really didn't know."
"He always was the straight one. Garth had his attempts to steal Arthur's women, you and Speedy..." Ollie smiled.
"And we all just didn't think about Donna's past," Dick nodded, agreeing with that. "Yeah... like I said, had to floor him. But he's going to leave it alone."
"Good. Gave me ten kinds of hell for leaving Elite." Ollie leaned his head back on Dick's thigh.
"...He can be such a jackass, much as I love him..." Dick wasn't impressed.
"It's partly us older ones' faults. He tried so hard to fill Barry's shoes...we forgot to not push him."
Dick nodded, not arguing with that. "Needed a Flash," he shrugged, trying not to go off about the truth of that, that becoming League had done something to Wally that had and would probably never heal.
"Didn't have to forget he was still a kid." Ollie sat forward again, finishing off his tea.
"Just looking for me to cuss you out?"
"Kinda miss that," Ollie told him, turning to smile up at Dick. "Yeah, I know I gave you plenty of reason to bitch me out. No surprise there...Ollie, world's biggest screw up, " he admitted.
"Mm..." Dick though about arguing that, then let it go with "Well, you do have more practice..."
Ollie nodded. "Yeah, well, I made up for it, cussing at Bruce and Arthur," he said.
Dick tilted his head, "Yeah? Why?"
"Because...once upon a time, I did pay attention, and Roy would bitch about the way both you boys were handling their stupidity...and I'd get pissed." He gave a rueful shake of his head. "Just wish I'd paid more attention to what I was doing, rather than being sanctimonious."
Dick's eyes flashed with blue fire, "Yeah, that woulda been nice... but then, if I'd just stayed in touch with him when we split the first time..."
Ollie broke down almost instantly, the cup falling from his numb hand and bouncing on the plush carpet as he buried his face in his hands, shoulders shaking with regret and self-hatred mixed into the grief. Dick slid down instantly, curling around his back and side as he pulled him tight. "Easy... easy..." whispered softly against his hair.
"She didn't even know his name! And she was better to him than me!!! Who had been taking...no, who had been around for three years already!" Anger and loss came through as Ollie struggled to deal with the pit of his mistakes and the raw black hole threatening to pull him in as he could no longer block the thoughts of his soulmate, lost to him forever.
Dick pulled him tight, stroking his hair, "We both left him when he needed us most..."
Ollie dissolved into honest tears then, grieving for the boy he had betrayed, for the woman that had been their salvation, for lost futures.
Dick just held him tight, whispering in his first language, soft nothing-things and snatches of old lullabies. //That's right, Ollie... my turn to be the support... I'm here, I've got you...//
It took a while before Ollie was quiet. He was not asleep, but silent with the calm of a person standing in the middle of a thin bridge over an abyss. Dick didn't let go, but slowly went silent, keeping him held tight, one hand moving just a little.
"Did Roy tell you why I failed her this time?" Ollie asked. "That I had an affair, the girl wound up dead... and I pushed Dinah away?"
"No... he didn't tell me," Dick said softly. "Trying to protect her?"
"In my own way. And just coping with the fact I had failed her, again," Ollie whispered. "Never should have gotten in MidNite's way."
Dick shook his head. "You loved her. She loved you. It was worth trying... Not like I can say anything about bouncing between lovers," bitterness in his voice, "I was a fucking expert at it..."
"My worst mistake was Hal, godammit."
"Yeah? Mine was... fuck, mine was Babs. He never minded Kory..."
Ollie snorted. "No, he loved Kory in his own way." Ollie shook his head. "Babs was Batgirl?"
Dick winced, then nodded, "Yeah. Never could get over her, she'd call and I'd go... Or I'd try and start again, for some stupid reason..."
"Roy told me a lot about that...usually in a mixed run of languages and curses." Ollie closed his eyes slowly. "Hal and I were lovers...god, I think we started within weeks of me and Di...always thought I had it hidden. Should have known better."
Dick winced, "Bet he did..." He closed his eyes at what Ollie'd said, seeing all too clearly the world they'd lived in then, and at the same time, what it would have done to Dinah to know that... "Hell of a mess," he finally said.
"Yeah." Ollie clenched his fists, remembering every stray look that had seemed out of place... until he had learned she knew about the affair. The fact she had said nothing...he had found the silence a worse accusation, he realized. "I always loved her, though!"
Dick nodded, "Just... torn..." he said softly, all too much understanding in his words. Ollie nodded silently, and Dick just stroked his shoulder. "Why the fuck did they ever put up with us?"
"Hearts of gold," Ollie told him. "And the thrill of the fight got them both riled up..."
"God, did it ever..." aching longing in his voice for the way Roy would blaze after a good fight...
"She turned me away...only went on the date...to test herself I think." Ollie smiled ruefully. "Thank god, Riddler crashed...the fight had us both..." He chuckled softly. "A rocky new start, but oh damn, it was great!"
"He'd pick a fight with me just to get us going, knew I never could tell him no when he..." Dick's voice broke off, rather out of embarrassment or grief, even he wasn't sure.
"Damn, it was good like that...no thinking, just...us!" Ollie closed his eyes, able to smell and feel her right there.
"Yeah," complete agreement and understanding in his voice.
The older man shifted, slightly uncomfortable as memories pressed too strongly on him. Dick started to let go, feeling the unease in his body, twisted in knots himself, but not willing to abandon him.
Ollie turned slowly, shifting away, but looking at Dick. "Thanks."
"How many times did you pack me to bed? Hold me? Bandage my hands? Least I can do... I told you. I'm here."
Ollie nodded sharply, making himself stand up. "Gonna head downstairs, son...got some shit to work out now."
"Want company?"
Ollie's face was shadowed. "Might not be the best idea."
"Don't hurt yourself." His eyes flicked up at the ceiling, reminding him why.
Ollie flinched, turning away. He whispered something so softly under his breath Dick could not catch it. "I won't," he said more clearly as he walked away.
Dick waited most of half an hour before he headed downstairs to check on him. He'd had to give him his space, but... too much space was a real bad thing, he knew that damn well.
He found Ollie sitting in the middle of the mats, knees pulled up, arms locked around them, body still shaking from what Dick could see of his back. Nothing seemed to have been touched, and Dick did not smell sweat. //What the...?// He went to him, crouching close to his side, "Ollie?"
The older man started with a violent flinch, snapping back to the room they were in, away from the place his mind had gone.
"Hey," Dick said softly, making damn sure Ollie knew who and where he was before he even tried to touch him.
"Told ya not to come," Ollie said, voice rough and pitiful, all at once.
"Got worried..." Dick stroked a hand down his back.
That back was tense and knotted far more than normal, obviously locked up with tension. "Not worth it, Dick. Never have been."
"Bullshit. You've been taking care of me..." //I owe you this much...//
"Told Roy I would," the man said gruffly, but then he dropped his head, and his entire body seemed to be defeated. "Not that I could help it. Loved my boy."
"I know... even he knew... most of the time, he knew.."
Ollie shook his head. "Please...don't stay down here." He was wrestling with his problems, trying to regain control...to stop from making a huge mistake with Dick.
"You haven't left me," Dick pointed out worriedly.
Ollie looked up into those blue eyes, and felt absolutely miserable. "You need me." It came out weak, more a questioning than a statement.
"Yeah," Dick nodded. "I do... we do."
The older man moved, pressing into Dick's space and wrapping arms around the younger one's waist. "God!"
Dick held him close, hands rubbing down his back, //You're the only one that gets it... You've got to stay. Lian can't lose anyone else...//
Ollie shuddered and pressed his face into Dick's hair. He wanted to admit the problem he had, but he could not lose Dick or Lian, over something so stupid.
"It's okay, Ollie. I'm here... It's okay..."
It took several deep breaths before Ollie could manage to speak. "Fine... I'm fine. Little one needs us both as sane as we can act," he managed.
Dick chuckled bitterly, "Yeah... and hell, we're both good at faking that. Okay." He knew he was lying... but... whatever it was, Ollie wasn't ready to talk, and he could wait.
Ollie nodded, and gave Dick's hair an unconscious nuzzle. "Play me a game of cards or something. No way in hell I'm sleeping with my demons tonight."
"Sure. Poker or otherwise?"
"Works." Ollie pulled away to stand up. Dick slid to his feet with him, heading for the stairs, worried, but willing to just play distraction for now. He'd ask again later.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 02:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 03:01 am (UTC)I'm glad the pain comes across as real and raw
plenty of personal experience on both parts, because if it wasn't, this entire series would be such a failure...no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 03:41 am (UTC)Except not, because the muses demand to share.
Glad to know it is hitting.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 11:01 am (UTC)Wonderfull job with the emotions and turning me into a blubbering mess!
Can't wait for more.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 02:24 pm (UTC)So glad the emotion is not wearing thin, and promise the next part will...move the plot some.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 09:55 pm (UTC)Yeah, it hurts to write, too, because... well, Dick's my primary muse and my baby and he's so broken...
We have yet to write one of these in a single sitting, or without tears pouring down at least my face, so hey, I completely understand.
Thank you so much for the compliment, we... well, the muses demanded. Loudly. So we wind up sharing their grief... glad it works.
We'll work on more. Hopefully shortly.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 05:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 08:59 pm (UTC)Sorries. We're just following the muses' guidance.
And thank you.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 09:58 pm (UTC)So instead I'll just say thank you!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 07:32 pm (UTC)I see this going in a bad direction. The last thing Dick needs is to sleep with Ollie. EVER! Is it going there, because that is what I'm sensing. It has huge angst potential but I don't see it as healing, only bad things for Dick. Ollie and Dick are right, Lian needs both of them, and they need to be somewhat sane for her.
Everybody is just hurting so badly this in AU. The Titans needed to know though, and I'm so glad Wally finally got set straight. It is very believable to see how Wally would miss them being what they were to each other.
Hope you guys update again soon. This really is a very good fic.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 09:01 pm (UTC)Ollie doesn't want to hurt Dick...far from it.
As for the direction you see, give us a little rope...and after it all plays out, tell us what you think of how it comes out. :-)
Thank you so much!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-01 10:01 pm (UTC)There are a lot of things Dick doesn't need, especially in this 'verse. And yep, Lian needs them both.
(you, me, aim, later.)
Yes, everyone is, and yeah, the Titans did. Wally is an effing idiot, yes. Though he didn't say some of the things he was thinking...
We'll see which muses scream loudest next.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 05:23 pm (UTC)I loved the bit with clueless Wally, and the Titans' reactions to the news that Dick's not coming back to the fight.
Just really loving this fic!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-02 07:39 pm (UTC)Clueless Wally is amusing to me, but my Wally is very straight, and doesn't see things he doesn't want to. The Titans...oh poor Kory.
Glad you're enjoying!
no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 08:43 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-02-04 09:30 pm (UTC)That's NOT the implication we're working from, and we have definite ideas on how we want to proceed from here.
Fanfiction is great though...if one story is not your cup of tea, you can find one that is. Sorry this one is not running in a direction you like.
no subject
Date: 2007-02-05 09:00 pm (UTC)And the Raven telling Kory kind of broke my heart.
Actually, all of this fic broke my heart. Just as the other pieces before it did.
"You and SPEEDY!" Wally's face turned red. "Damn...I thought for sure he was straight."
Dick shook his head. "The word's bisexual, Wally. And yeah, me and Speedy."
The next instant Wally was laying a hand on the other man's shoulder. "Sorry...sorry I laid into you, sorry you lost him..."
Dick curled against him, shaking. "See why I can't? He was my partner, Wally... I can't put the suit back on I buried him in, and I can't do this without him at my back..."
*cries, lots.*
Dick pulled him tight, stroking his hair, "We both left him when he needed us most..."
It hurts because it's true.
"He... I just don't... Itrustedhim... I knew I shouldn't but I trusted him..."
No, you really never should have. Because whatever trumped up reasons your hormones came up with to justify themselves, he gave you far more reasons not to. Like, gee, all the times he tried to kill your teammates. And I'm glad you're feeling guilt over trusting the man, because you deserve to hurt for that.
"I can't figure out how the man that I met in Vegas, who introduced himself as Jericho's father, could do that, could be so fucking evil as to kill his son's friend, to orphan a little girl, when he seemed to hold family so important!"
Um. I'm pretty sure, when Slade takes out those contracts, his stipulation is never "only the childless ones." He's been killing people's parents and causing orphans for years, Ollie. Also, I respectfully disagree with Ollie would spare even a passing moment thinking about the "change" in Slade's personality after the man killed his son. His reaction in GA 70 to Slade seems more spot on, to me. YMMV, though.
He was wrestling with his problems, trying to regain control...to stop from making a huge mistake with Dick.
*whimper* Boys. A mistake that would have ripped out the heart of the man you both hold so dear if he were still alive. Especially you, Mr. Let's Push Everyone Away.
Ollie pulled away to stand up. Dick slid to his feet with him, heading for the stairs, worried, but willing to just play distraction for now. He'd ask again later.
Oh, boys. Such a bad idea. Such a bad, bad idea.
The pain in all of these pieces has been absolutely tangible. I just want to hold everyone
and lock Ollie away from Dick, so they don't both do something stupidand squeeze them and promise them it will be okay - lie, or not.So good, as always. There's more, I hope?
no subject
Date: 2007-02-07 04:21 am (UTC)He deserves the hug, for finally getting it.
And the Raven telling Kory kind of broke my heart.
Broke mine all to pieces…poor Kory. *pets Kory muse, reminds that the crack version of the afterlife still offers her some hope*
Actually, all of this fic broke my heart. Just as the other pieces before it did.
Telling the Titans was ROUGH.
*cries, lots.*
*gives you your own monogrammed hankie*
It hurts because it's true.
Too true.
No, you really never should have. Because whatever trumped up reasons your hormones came up with to justify themselves, he gave you far more reasons not to. Like, gee, all the times he tried to kill your teammates. And I'm glad you're feeling guilt over trusting the man, because you deserve to hurt for that.
Tried but failed…and aided so many times, was trusted ally many times, friend to the team on occasion…friend enough that Wintergreen had their aid in finding Slade when Slade was dying…
Um. I'm pretty sure, when Slade takes out those contracts, his stipulation is never "only the childless ones." He's been killing people's parents and causing orphans for years, Ollie. Also, I respectfully disagree with Ollie would spare even a passing moment thinking about the "change" in Slade's personality after the man killed his son. His reaction in GA 70 to Slade seems more spot on, to me. YMMV, though.
Really, right here…he's just trying to reach DICK. Nothing else...especially his own emotions which he is trying to repress, matter. He just knows Slade meant SOMETHING…and he's latched on to the only memory of Slade that doesn't gibe with cold blooded killer.
*whimper* Boys. A mistake that would have ripped out the heart of the man you both hold so dear if he were still alive. Especially you, Mr. Let's Push Everyone Away.
Yeah, but…
Oh, boys. Such a bad idea. Such a bad, bad idea.
Bad ideas and these two go hand in hand.
The pain in all of these pieces has been absolutely tangible. I just want to hold everyone
and lock Ollie away from Dick, so they don't both do something stupidand squeeze them and promise them it will be okay - lie, or not.Thank you so much for that.
So good, as always. There's more, I hope?
We have the start of it…but I may need to edit some…think Ollie…well, I'm not sure yet.